So the other day I was like “Hey! The government better damn well hand over some free money during these tough times.”
But then I realized that I already live off the government, so I knew from experience it will take a long time to get more free money.
Stupid slow-ass government.
And then I realized I already have a package, and boy does it stimulate!
Why don’t you ask me about it..?
There are times when we forget that the daytime exists, sometimes going as far as to deny its existence.
It’s usually our vices that make us break the monotonous routine of our lives: sex, booze, drugs, gambling, even gaming these days. Not in my day, mind…
Bring on the night! Darkness seems to heighten our senses and enhance our attraction to the opposite sex.
Shit, I can even dance better at night! Or maybe that’s the handful of pills I just took..?
This is a message to all those fixing to land on the moon: Russia, China, India, Brazil, Europe, Richard Branson…
Second place is the first loser, bitches!
This is an intergalactic “shotgun” call. Y’all know who got their first so y’all better find some place else to park your tin-cans.
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and that other guy travelled to the moon FORTY years ago. Nice of you to join the party, but you’re far, far too late.
Facebook – like Cheers, the popular 80s TV series bar – is a place where everybody knows your name.
Also like Cheers, funny things happen when people show up drunk.
As Cliff explains to Norm on the show:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
Poor Pluto spent years with planetary status only to have in yanked away by an uncaring scientific community.
Now, the other planets laugh at it. And so do the other whatever it’s classified as now. Pluto is like the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer of our solar system.
Whatever the so-called “scientific” community tell us, I still believe in my heart that Pluto is a planet. The teachers at my school wouldn’t have told us things that weren’t correct, would they?
Don’t worry about it Pluto, you’ll always be a planet to me.
Click Here to get a It’s Okay Pluto I’m Not A Planet Either T-shirt
Gen-Xers like myself will remember the classic phrase “Transformers – robots in disguise” from the TV show back in the day.
Gen-Yers will laugh and clap with slack-jawed glee at the latest series of movies.
Now that Michael Bay has made the Transformers franchise an even larger international phenomenon, the poor Autobots need to deploy a series of new technologies to blend in.
Godspeed, you brave metallic chameleons.
Get a Robots In Disguise T-shirt
Very deceptive!
A headcrab is a fictional alien parasitoid found in the Half-Life video game series created by Valve Software. They are the most numerous and arguably most iconic aliens in the series.
If you think it likely you may encounter one of these little suckers in your day to day travels, the Crowbar 3000 is the ultimate in current anti-Headcrab technology. Should a Headcrab affix itself to your head, beat repeatedly with the Crowbar 3000 until it lets go.
In fact, even after it leats go, it wouldn’t hurt to give yourself another couple of smacks to prevent future outbreaks.
Also, if you live in a desolate dorm room, you can also use the crowbar to pry open the vending machine and get your mountain dew/dorito fix.
The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, “JediMaster Mace Windu”, say in the Star Wars Prequel:
10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room… accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. ‘What’ ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on ‘What’?
4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!
3. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the motherfucker’s a carpet. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What’s the brother gonna do? He’s a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, “Bad Motherfucker” on it.
Get a My Lightsaber Is The One That Says Bad Motherfucker T-shirt
Evil lolcat asks "wai so srs?" before he kills you!
Rumour has it, Evil lolcat is up for a posthumous Academy Award for this t-shirt.
See, I don’t get that. I don’t think this t-shirt is any more outstanding that Captain Jack Lolcat’s performance as a camp pirate. I guess getting run over by that car was the best career move Evil lolcat ever made…