‘Cause every Mother’s Day needs a Mother’s Night
If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
I’m callin’ on you ’cause I can’t do it myself
To me you’re like a brother, so be my mother lover
They blessed us both with the gift of life
She brought you in this world so I’ma sex her right

This is the second best idea that we’ve ever had
The choice can be no other
Be my mother lover

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

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If I sense she is hesitating, I usually punctuate the message with something like, “But you can only stay for a bit – I have to get up early.”

It never fails.

Since I got this shirt, I’ve retired the tried and true:

“Have you ever seen a houseplant with one leaf? I’ll bring you back to my place to look, but no touching. It’s very delicate.”

I’m a genius!

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But not as good as Michael Scott from the office: “Times have changed a little and as much as we are a family here at Dunder Mifflin, there comes a time when the Daddy cannot take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.”

He said what!?

Keep in mind, when a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.

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Now I’m a big boy, so my load is quite sizeable. It’s going to take a special kind of gal to handle it. She doesn’t have to be a big girl herself – she just needs a bit of experience, you know, handling loads. Not too much experience, mind you… Girls with that kind of experience generally have questionable hygiene and a bit of a reputation.

I suppose I’ll just have to continue my search.

It sure would be nice to find a girl who can handle my load… Maybe wearing this t-shirt will help? Maybe…

It seems this shirt is no longer available, but check out the related shirts below.

The new millennium brings with it women of age, wisdom, and sexual experience. Everyone raise an ice cold frosty brew to those silver foxes with silver boxes.

Besides, Britney Spears will be one in a couple of years and the line starts behind me, you bastards!

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1. Life is short and difficult; cigarettes help.

2. Never get a tattoo from a Mexican man, no matter how well he sings (and he will sing well).

3. There is no such thing as a free blowjob.

At the time, I didn’t know what he was talking about. This is probably because I was five years old and didn’t know what a blowjob was. Also, growing up in a segregated Irish-Catholic neighborhood in South Philly, Mexicans were about as real to me as vampires. But as I grew older, I grew to understand and appreciate his advice. And nowhere did it ring as true as in his dire warning about blowjobs.

Jean-Paul Sartre, famed French choreographer and bigot, once wrote that the purpose of gift-giving is to enslave the recipient. That is, to give a gift is to imbue the recipient with a sense of obligation to someday return the favor or otherwise respond in kind. In this way, there is no true sense of generosity; every perceived act of generosity is merely a ruse, an unconscious act of self-interest. We give gifts to others in order, ultimately, to get what we want.

Eight hundred years after Sartre wrote these words, the modern woman has applied this exact sentiment to the act of giving blowjobs.

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So what if the Star Wars dialogue is awful? So what if there are themes of incest? So what if the plot is flimsy?

Han Solo was a smuggler and a pirate and he would fuck you up as soon as look at you.

Star Wars is to movies what Moon Pies are to food. Sure it’s fluff and provides no nutritional value, but pop that shit in the microwave and you’ve got something that leaves you all gooey.

Unforunately for Han, he didn’t get to nail Leia in the original trilogy, but I daresay there would have at least been some dry humping.

So, to fulfill all your fantasies about metal bikinis, name your right hand ‘Leia’ and give yourself a ‘Han Job’.

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There is no how or why to true art. Except for the part where I love breasts.

Ladies, this shirt is worn to best effect when used in conjunction with no bra. When used thus, this shirt can be a real winner. Although it’s safe to say the real winner here is society. Well that, and penises.

Happy International Women’s Day everyone!

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