Free Blowjob Analysis
My father, before he stopped speaking with me over a disputed case of fireworks, taught me three things:
1. Life is short and difficult; cigarettes help.
2. Never get a tattoo from a Mexican man, no matter how well he sings (and he will sing well).
3. There is no such thing as a free blowjob.
At the time, I didn’t know what he was talking about. This is probably because I was five years old and didn’t know what a blowjob was. Also, growing up in a segregated Irish-Catholic neighborhood in South Philly, Mexicans were about as real to me as vampires. But as I grew older, I grew to understand and appreciate his advice. And nowhere did it ring as true as in his dire warning about blowjobs.
Jean-Paul Sartre, famed French choreographer and bigot, once wrote that the purpose of gift-giving is to enslave the recipient. That is, to give a gift is to imbue the recipient with a sense of obligation to someday return the favor or otherwise respond in kind. In this way, there is no true sense of generosity; every perceived act of generosity is merely a ruse, an unconscious act of self-interest. We give gifts to others in order, ultimately, to get what we want.
Eight hundred years after Sartre wrote these words, the modern woman has applied this exact sentiment to the act of giving blowjobs.
