I finally saw the new Star Trek movie last night, and it reminded me – it’s always the guy in the red uniform that dies when they beam down to a planet’s surface. I said to my girlfriend “I bet that guy eats it in the next five minutes.”

Ok, ok… it was my mom. My girlfriend is outta town. On a photo shoot… in the Bahamas. Why are we talking about me? I’m not on trial here! We were talking about Star Trek!

Hmm, I wonder if the red uniform guy has his own shirt.

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“Vader – how’s my favorite Sith? Woah woah woah – just slow down! Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Who’s they!?

“What the hell is an Aluminium Falcon?!

“Okay, okay… so who’s left? Are you shitting me!? Well, where are you? Wait a sec – you’ve been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon…

“Oh oh oh I’m sorry! I thought my dark lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that’s only two metres wide! That thing wasn’t even fully paid off yet! Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit?

“What? Oh, “just rebuild it”? Real fucking original! Who’s going to give me a loan, jack-hole? You? You got an ATM on that torso light-bright?

“Now get your 7’2″ asthmatic ass back here, or I’m going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about Pada-mommy or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is.”

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I mean, Luke didn’t know. Princess Leia didn’t know. Shit, who knows how many kids Darth has. He probably has more kids than George Forman and Flava Flav put together.

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