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I’m no bible scholoar, but I’ve heard the New Testament encourages answering questions with other questions as a means of facilitating conversations. So what better way to fully understand what Jesus would do, than by inquiring what he wouldn’t do?

In this day and age where society is shallow and superficial, for Jesus to really speak to the population (especially Generation-Y – I hate that generation…) he’s gonna need to be into cafe lattes, extreme sports and metrosexual fashion.

So I think when he does return (and he will – it’s in Revelations people!) he will be one hip, high-fivin’ motherfucker. Kinda like Samuel L Jackson, minus the violence… Jesus ain’t into that shit.

But he will definitely smoke pot – I’m absolutely sure of that!

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Sandals. The un-sexiest thing a man can wear. Even a Moo Moo covers up what you don’t want to see. Shit, even those stoopid plastic Croc things have a certain je ne sais quoi. But sandals? Why are people still wearing sandals? History proves what happens to men who wear sandals.

So-called intellectuals and “christians” say Jesus was crucified because his brand of non-violent resistance, his manner of stirring the people and empowering the poor, were judged to be challenging the political power structures of his day.

I think it was more to do with his sandals and long hair. Goddamn hippies…

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I hope everyone is enjoying their Easter holidays! I’m getting away from it all myself… “all” meaning my family. Obviously, I’m still busting my ass to bring you the lol’s.

I don’t know where you live and you don’t know where I live, but did anyone else have trouble buying a drink yesterday? Easter Friday – it’s like it was a religious holiday or something… Luckily, the clubs opened at midnight this morning, and I turned up wearing my I Pound Beers For Jesus. And what do you know? BAM – straight to the front of the line!

Unlike the time I wore my Manwhore shirt. The door bitch looked me up and down and said “Well, at least you’re honest!”

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Happy Easter everyone! Peace be with you. In the spirit of the season, I figured I’d learn a bit more about our Lord and saviour. And this is what I found:

According to the US Biblical scholar, Morton Smith, of Columbia University, a fragment of manuscript he found at the Mar Saba monastery near Jerusalem in 1958, showed that the full text of St. Mark chapter 10 (between verses 34 and 35 in the standard version of the Bible) includes the passage:

“And the youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him. And going out of the tomb, they went into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, at evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God”.

The veracity of this manuscript is hotly contested by other Biblical scholars. This comes as no surprise. The revelation of a gay Jesus would undermine some of the most fundamental tenets of orthodox Christianity, including its rampant homophobia.

What’s that? You don’t believe me? Would it help if I told you I used to be the lead reporter for High Times magazine? But I had to leave – too much politics…

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Ignoring the theory, popularized by Dan Brown’s book The Da Vinci Code, that the apostle John on Jesus’ right was actually Mary Magdalene, the Last Supper was a bit of a sausage fest.

Looking at this painting, I can’t help but think that while Jesus was breaking bread, someone was “breaking wind”. Seriously! Look at the expressions on their faces, and the way the apostle John is leaning right over… it was probably him!

It wouldn’t have been Jesus. If that dude can change water into wine, I’m certain he could make his farts smell like frankincense. Which perhaps is where the saying “His shit doesn’t stink” came from.

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