Runway T-shirts

Don’t call me “not black” – I’m half black and speak clearly,
And that’s not nearly a reason to fear me.
Barely 8 years since you had hope,
And my change is dope.
“Clarevoyant”, “Perspicacious”,
My vocabulary’s long and audacious.
I don’t take sides – Bi Partisan,
A Harvard educated Lando Calrissian.
Trust me, this ain’t funny,
I used to use only public money.
Now I know I can score more money than a whore,
Dressed up like the Earth, fucking Al Gore.
I’m gonna knock you out, Obama said knock you out.
McCain he got the gout, Obama said knock you out.

Hey McCain, your sanity is gone,
Must have left it with the Viet Cong.
You’re crazy and wrong suckin’ Bush’s old dong,
Already old when L.L. made this song.
Hey Emperor face, I penetrated your base,
Made the right wing say “New Yorker’s got taste”
I’ll beat you in Missouri and Oklahoma,
After that, I’ll cure your melanoma!
Country first? More like country worst,
Or just selling more. Or go to church.
Sorry to burst but the record is showin’,
You’ll ditch people like you forgot your homes.
It was seven right? The polls are tight,
But your eight house won’t be white.
I’m gonna knock you out, Obama said knock you out.
You lose your temper then you shout, Obama said knock you out.

Click Here to get an Obama Said Knock You Out T-shirt

So the other day I was like “Hey! The government better damn well hand over some free money during these tough times.”
But then I realized that I already live off the government, so I knew from experience it will take a long time to get more free money.

Stupid slow-ass government.

And then I realized I already have a package, and boy does it stimulate!

Why don’t you ask me about it..?

Get a Ask Me About My Stimulus Package T-shirt

America experienced a wave of newfound enthusiasm as Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States. But now that excitement is in danger of unraveling, as the downsides of an Obama presidency become evident. People magazine reports:

With the election of Barack Obama, Paula Idol of American Idol will stay just that – an American. “I was crying!” she tells PEOPLE. “You feel such a sense of pride that you can’t even articulate how good you feel. It’s unbelievable! I have chills. I was just so excited. I was texting everyone: ‘Peace has begun.’ And then I was texting everyone, ‘I don’t have to move to Vancouver now!’”

Forget about making Paula Abdul cry. As admirable as that is, it’s really not that hard to do. The chick cries about everything. That’s what happens when you mix Wild Turkey and Xanax with your Cheerios every morning. The real point is, Paula Abdul was ready to move out of the country, before Obama was elected. And now she’s staying.

If our new Commander in Chief is serious about bringing the country together and restoring the faith of its citizens, his first act after taking the oath will be to issue a proclamation authorizing the packing of Paula Abdul in a rocket and shooting her directly into the sun. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Get a So We Cool Now? T-shirt

God bless America. Except Idaho – fuck Idaho.

You heard me. What’s that? What did Idaho ever do to me? It exists for one. Plus, it’s asymmetric… I hate that!

I’m sure Idahoans will take offense to this shirt, but the only thing the state of Idaho could do me harm was if it forced me to visit it somehow. Were that to happen – should I find myself wandering the streets of Boise – you can bet I’ll be wearing this little beauty.

Somebody’s got it in for the spud state. If you hate potatos and crystal meth as much as I do, you’re gonna love this shirt!

Click Here to get a God Bless America, Except Idaho – Fuck Idaho T-shirt

Why is it that every time I see “Free Tibet” my brain automatically finishes the sentence “with the purchase of any country of equal or greater value”? Curse you commercial television!

So you can imagine my delight when I found this t-shirt!

I can’t wait for this shirt to arrive so I can participate in the next Free Tibet rally, Peter Griffin style! “Free Tibet? I’ll take it! Hello, China? I think I have something you may want, but it’s gonna cost you… That’s right – all the tea.”

Click Here to get a Free Tibet With Purchase of Tibet of Equal or Lesser Value T-shirt

Let me spell this one out to any of my non-American readers.

The Constitution of the United States of America is the foundation and source of the legal federal authority and was adopted in 1787. It has since been amended twenty-seven times, the first ten amendments being known as the Bill of Rights.

The first amendment is the right to free speech. The second amendment is – wait for it – the right to bear arms! And, of course, the third amendment is the right to buy t-shirts that your 10th grade social studies teacher would find hilarious.

Click Here to get a Second Amendment T-shirt

In his speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about the excessive bonuses paid out to the CEOs and other execs of failing multi-nationals. He said the trouble at AIG was caused by recklessness and excessive greed. But here’s the problem. The AIG executives thought it was a compliment!

The Republicans are on board in this too. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley told AIG executives they should either quit or commit suicide. (He actually said this!) But I think that’s plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of quitting?

I do like Grassley’s idea, but here’s my question: where was Congress when everything was falling apart, you know? They’re supposed to be looking out for us. So here’s a better idea. How about AIG and Congress making a giant suicide pact?

Update – In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion in profit. That just goes to show you, you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, and they’ll show you how to turn it into $8 billion. See, this is capitalism at its finest!

Click Here to get a Bailout T-shirt

“When I hear that we’ll never overcome the racial divide in our politics, I think about that Republican woman who used to work for Strom Thurmond, who is now devoted to educating inner city-children and who went out into the streets of South Carolina and knocked on doors for this campaign. Don’t tell me we can’t change.

“Yes, we can. Yes, we can change. Yes, we can… *cough cough _{move to Canada} *cough*.

“Where we are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in three simple words – yes, we can *cough cough _{move to Canada} *cough*.”

Is anyone else tearing up? What, just me?

Click Here to get a Yes We Can… Move to Canada T-shirt